- madness


Originally posted here

When I stumbled on this, it made me laugh real hard at not just the story but the way the writer narrated it. Good writer, if you ask me. Well, I thought I should share it with you. So enjoy and have a good laugh…

Those who limited household accidents to burns, fires, slipping on wet bathroom floors, choking on big garri balls etc, have, never met me.

My body doesnt have conventional accidents; rather, it seems to derive a perverse joy from inventing imaginative and unheard of ones.

I went mad an hour ago…..quite by accident.

You see, I’d just finished dusting and tidying the room and was rushing to keep an appointment with a dear friend (I’m helping her plan her wedding…, you’re not invited).

Anyway, I was exhausted but determined to keep that appointment. Dressed, I headed to the door and almost swooned. The acidic chemical reaction in my stomach informed my head that it had been without any form of solid nutrition since yesterday.

So I decided to rustle up a little pack of noodles and pacify my intestines before heading out.

Everything was in the pot, save pepper. I looked round and found a little container with something inside that was black, like Cameroon paprika. Taking it down, I opened it and to make certain it was pepper, I decided to sniff it a little.

A little o! But my nostrils missed the communication my brain was sending and took a big whiff of hot Cameroon pepper. Kai!

Nothing happened in the first few seconds. Then a bomb exploded in my head! My eyes watered, my ears sang and my nostrils tingled with sparks while my brain caught fire.

I thought I was going to die!

The fire spread to my body and I divested my clothes with urgent alacrity.

One evil spirit in my head started telling me to dance so the fiery peppery burning will go away. I started dancing immediately!

My head kept burning. Another voice said “Pour ice water down your nose”. I obeyed. The burning increased as I sputtered and inhaled water. The first voice started laughing and said, “Soak your entire head in water!” I almost obeyed o! But I thought of my hair and rejected the idea.

“You won’t do that one?” It asked. “Oya jump!” I jumped. “Pray!” I prayed.

Neither was working.

I shut my eyes tight and began to convulse; by then, I was breathing through my mouth and all the pores on my skin. That’s when I heard a third voice…distant…warbler, but I could make out what it was saying. It said, “Ekeeetii….bang…your he…head..on the wall.” The second I heard it well, I started banging.

A bright light flashed and I was transported to a place where fire was burning everywhere. I knew immediately that I was in hell. There was a big throne on which a huge, ugly man sat pointing and giving orders to several ugly minions.

I followed the direction of his outstretched hand and saw the minions dancing round a small fire, cackling. They were roasting a gigantic nose.

“My nose!” I screamed, angry. “HOW DARE YOU?! GIVE IT BACK!” I yelled.

They all turned to me and laughed, then slowly poured Cameroon pepper on my roasting nose. I screamed and they laughed and I ran to rescue my nose. As I got closer, I slipped and fell, hitting my head on the ground.

I woke up instantly. My nose was still burning, albeit faintly; curiously, my head was inside the freezer. My noodles were burnt, the voices were silent.

I heard birds chirping, as a neighbour scolded her child. Fresh tears fell down my cheeks, melting the previous frozen ones. I took cold, deep breaths and listened to my quiet heartbeats.

The madness had passed.

I’m never going to eat pepper again!




  1. Drew

    Lmao! Been there, done that…but mine was a more civil reaction…lol

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